Consider yourself warned. I can only assume that something must have gone horribly wrong to bring you here today. Amidst a cherry-picked Pinterest Sea of “perfect chocolate chip cookies”, a Google Forest of the “best chocolate chip cookie recipe”, and dog-eared cookbooks of “award winning” and family favorite chocolate chip cookie recipes, you have somehow found yourself here, face-to-cookie with the actual worst chocolate chip cookie. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: It’s just a cookie, right? I mean, sure, they look innocent enough. Golden with melty chocolate chips, crinkled edges and melt-in-your-mouth interiors… but one bite and you’re positively ruined for life. These cookies will consume your life, shrink your jeans, and steal your boyfriend (I wouldn’t put it past them, anyway). They even contain a secret ingredient.
A Secret Ingredient You’ll Wish You Never Discovered
How obnoxiously cliche, and, even more obnoxiously, intriguing. I won’t drag it out. The secret ingredient is maple syrup. And sure, pure maple syrup (priced per ounce nearly the same as gold) would work just wonderfully here. But, if you have a sticky bottle of Aunt Jemima in your cabinet (as I happened to when I set out on the unholy quest for a secret ingredient for the best-turned-worst chocolate chip cookie recipe), that will work just fine, too. What kind of self-respecting cookie doesn’t demand purity and quality? Only the worst kind. I credit (or, rather, blame) this “secret ingredient” for being the greatest offender in this positively worst chocolate chip cookie recipe. It gives the cookies a subtle, caramelized flavor as well as long-lasting chewiness and softness (these cookies stay soft for days, and the cornstarch helps with that as well), and the flavor is to die for. And, while anyone who takes a bite will be able to detect the extra richness of flavor, not a single taste-tester was able to identify exactly what the secret ingredient was. Just that they were enjoying “really, really good cookies”. OK, so what’s so bad about really good chocolate chip cookies? How about the fact that they will consume you as you consume them? I’m not kidding about them wrecking your relationships. Mom’s favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe? Ditch it. You will snub your nose at every “favorite” cookie (chocolate chip or not) of the past and struggle to hold back scornful laughs at anyone who comments on any other “delicious” cookie. Nobody likes a cookie snob, and yet here you are. Here comes that girl again, the one who’s too good for Chips Ahoy.
A Cookie Recipe for Ruining Your Life
Be prepared for weight gain. It creeps up slowly, the cookies gently embracing you at first, then clinging to your thighs, your stomach, tighter and tighter until yoga pants are your only way out of the house. If you’re worried about your significant other noticing, don’t bother. They don’t notice anything anymore, only whether or not there are more chocolate chip cookies readily available for consumption. Perhaps worst of all is that this chocolate chip cookie recipe can be made so easily. There’s no stand mixer or even an electric hand-held one required. They can be stirred by hand, dirtying only two bowls. They do need to chill for 30 minutes, which would only serve as a deterrent if 25 of those minutes weren’t spent sneaking copious chunks of cookie dough from the refrigerator. If you’ve made it this far, I fear it may already be too late for you. It’s too late for me, sadly, and I’ve made these cookies nearly a dozen times in the past two weeks. I’m swapping gym time for cookie time to keep my refrigerator well-stocked with dough, and the photo shoot for this post took three times as long as it should have because I kept eating the subjects. If you can, stick to the “best ever” cookies. Stick to Grandma’s chocolate chip cookie recipe and the old family favorites. Those cookies are safe, your friends, made to be consumed by you. These cookies will consume you, instead. Good luck out there. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Let’s bake together! I’ll be walking you through all the steps in my written recipe and video below! If you try this recipe, be sure to tag me on Instagram, and you can also find me on YouTube and Facebook
Related Cookie Recipes That are Also Pretty Terrible But Not As Bad:
I originally published the worst chocolate chip cookie recipe on 3/21/16. I have since updated it to include new photos and a video, but the recipe has remained unchanged.
